“You are courageous!”
That’s the common response to my last two articles. Articles, up until now, haven’t sunk in, I WROTE!! I mean, who writes about themselves, bearing all? Is it socially acceptable to write these things? Is there a thing such as being too raw?
Who even knows?!
What I think?
You either tell the truth or come up with a lie. A polished version of events. Either way, here I am. Exposed.
I dare say, relieved!
It was a burden! Holding on to the pain and memories nearly made me question my sanity. I considered visiting a therapist, preferably in church, but that seemed too intense for me. A stranger? Poking around in my life? Asking questions that I didn’t want to answer let alone know how to? That wasn’t going to cut it.
I tried talking to a friend, but I couldn’t quite get it out. I still left out so much. You see, I was afraid of being judged! It’s not that I didn’t trust her, I just wasn’t willing to let myself be vulnerable. You know what that’s like??
Someone else knowing my psychiatric levels?? ( You know what, that’s a real thing! Or I just made it real! Haha). But seriously, it sucks bearing all! Showing your weakness? Maybe even trigger a mathare trip!! (People get paid to deliver patients). But in all SERIOUSNESS, it scared the heaven out of me!!
Being too open had proven futile before! I wasn’t going down that road again.
THAT SAID, I’m not sure how I concluded writing the blog would be a better alternative. I mean, the therapist would have been the only one who saw my wounds. She probably would have had an amazing word of encouragement for me. (Remember she’s from church) so she obviously would have a verse for me. A pick-me-up sort of verse that made me realize I wasn’t the only one. That made me find comfort in knowing someone else understood. Something in the vicinity of,
…“Rejoice, highly favored one, the Lord is with you; blessed are you among women!”
I mean!!!! Talk about pick me up of all pick-me-up’s!!! But wrong context! Hahaha I have always loved that verse!
That should be enough, right?
I didn’t need to share my mistakes! I didn’t have to show my shame! I didn’t have to expose my hurt! At least not to EVERYONE.. it would have been a hush-hush minor surgery of my life with a prescription of a few Bible verses and maybe an invite to my therapist’s home or women’s group? You know, because it would have been a nice little testimony for the young ladies who were seemingly losing their way! Or maybe her daughter was the target for my sob story cum testimony?! Who knows?!
But this was not to be the neatly-bowed testimony of a young lady who found Jesus in the middle of nowhere! It was the gut wrenching story plastered on the internet about a girl who was just trying to find home. Who for some, was the mean girl who wasted a poor man’s time! I don’t know.. I think about it.
I obeyed God. That is what I did. Not to say that Tom was collateral damage, but it needed to be done.
The aftermath of the spill:
Now having finally shared my story. Different things have happened. I have been encouraged to trust God through the process. I’ve been told I can write (who knew? haha) best of all, I have heard testimonies of people who say, you know what,
“That’s my story.”
By exposing my flaws, I helped others identify theirs.
By allowing myself to be vulnerable, others were able to identify what ate them up inside.
By being real, others realized their own story. Their own pain. Their deepest hurts.
By expressing my dire need for God, others recognized their own emptiness.
For me, that was worth the funny eyes I may come across when I meet someone that knows my story. If I can help just one person realise that there’s more to life than what society deems important. More important than the overwhelming statistics of my ticking biological clock.
Biological clock? (Can someone please tell me where this clock is?? Who even set it? It sure wasn’t there when Sarah and Abraham were throwing a baby shower for Isaac! (Remember? With the angels? 😉)
I digress! Knowing that someone can relate and be encouraged was worth it all. At the end, (well, even at the beginning!) all the glory goes back to God.
Let us desire to be authentic Christians. Let’s not walk around like we have halos over our heads while being the ones to throw the first stone.
I acknowledge, if it wasn’t for His grace, I would not be where I am. He has surely been Ebenezer.
Let God forever be our focus!
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.