I can share this now. It’s been a number of months since the devastating break up. I think I’m done crying over this, although I catch myself thinking about him. Missing him even. I wonder what he must be going through? I wonder what he must think of me now? Does he hate women now? Has he gone back to his baby mama? If I tried to reach out, would he slap my hand in resistance? Truth is, I don’t know. In a way, I simply don’t have the balls to find out.. I suppose I am just afraid of rejection. I digress..
I met him many years ago! 7 to be exact.. I was the clueless girl in the swimming pool oblivious to his stare! ( I really didn’t notice) in all fairness, I thought he was into my friend.. so I could have easily mistaken the gaze on me for one towards my more voluptuous friend! ;).. I was used to the attention she demanded with her full African figure! Build to perfection, according to any African man! Seriously, I have seen men screech to a halt as she contemplated crossing the road. Please hear me well, she was simply thinking about crossing the road.. but lo and behold!! He felt the need to cause commotion as he came to a sudden stop; just so that my well-endowed friend could cross. Haha! Back then, they hadn’t coined the term ‘team mafisi’ but my friends, they roamed the earth!
Back to my story, haha! His name; let’s call him Tom.. why Tom? I don’t know, I’m avoiding name-calling. 😋. Anyway Tom was checking me out and not my fisi-prone friend Miss B.. this I found out much later but I found out nonetheless. He was my brother’s friend and I will go on a limb here and say that the guy-code prohibits this, but he was not to be held back.
We first met during a holiday trip to the ocean front. Me and my girls, and my brothers and their friends! It was my perfect kind of holiday! I tremendously enjoyed that holiday without noticing Tom was checking me out. All through the week long trip there and all the way back to the city; cozied up in his arms! (Because to me, he was a cool guy) so when he offered to hold me as I dozed off on our way back, I said an emphatic YES man!!! Let me just make a disclaimer here: most comfortable arms in the world!
Fast forward to December year before last year, I was in a relationship with him. Mine and his has been the most complicated of complicated relationships. Ups and downs that cannot be quantified! Issues upon issues. By the time we decided that fateful December to resume a relationship, he had a baby mama who brought to the table a myriad of baby mama drama! I had been in and out of a number of relationships ( but who’s counting?) All I can say, MESSY; bad timing married to bad choices! All said and done, we opted to dive into the relationship! I was still dealing with a break up when I ventured into this new relationship. So as I said, messy!
Let me digress a bit, I was a born again Christian trying to live right by God. Here’s a man who the only connection I had was comfortable arms and hot sex (oh sorry) I forgot to mention that! After getting back to the city, it happened and we moved on. No strings attached.
So you see, chances were, being in this relationship would potentially lead me away from the ways of God. Fornication was a no-no from the start! But it’s always easier said than done. We agreed to no sex until we got married. Because you see, we had decided to get married! Not trial and error relationship. We were aiming for marriage. So we could call it a courtship. However, things don’t go as we plan for the most part.
3 months into the courtship, he proposed! I was engaged!! It had almost happened with someone else previously, but this was here. The perfect ring and proposal ( although he was afraid to kneel as he proposed because he thought I would say NO) haha I can’t blame him, I have always been unpredictable like that. So we shall let that slide!!
Many people asked me, “How did you feel when he proposed?” As genuine as that question may be, I didn’t quite know how to answer it. I would say a mixture of emotions. That’s simply the best way I could describe it. But hey, I was engaged! That should count for something, right ? Not really.
You see, my relationship with God has always been an interesting one. I dare say, He is quite the character! He speaks, you know! When the Bible speaks of ‘still small voice’ that my dear friends, is not a figure of speech! For me, that’s how He speaks to me most of the time. So in prayer one time, I sat down. I didn’t even close my eyes lest I miss something, I asked the big question in my life at the time.
“So, God, hey! I know I have prayed for you to bless my relationship with Tom A LOT! I know!! But this time, I want to know what your will is concerning this matter. I’ve pursued my own way long enough. I’ve even fornicated with this man. I know full well that it was a mistake. I just really want to know beyond my sin what is your will. Am I supposed to be in this relationship?”
That’s it! That’s all I heard! A simple clear, no! Because I am inquisitive and sometimes to my own detriment, I proceeded to ask what we so often want to know.
“Why? Why can’t I be with him? We are so happy and good together Lord, can’t you see?
To be honest, I didn’t expect a response. I really didn’t. But then it came.
“Because where I am taking you, he cannot come. He will hinder you from pursuing my calling and purpose.”
Now, let’s get this straight, I am not a pastor and to be honest, it isn’t even a desire in me. So whatever calling God spoke of, I didn’t quite know about. Even now, after the break up, I still don’t quite know what it is.
So here I was. Having received an answer for a question I had dreaded to ask for so long, and I somehow didn’t know what to do. I guess to most, the first place to start is to end the relationship. God has called us to obedience even when we don’t understand the why. For the most part, before this, I was quick to obey when He spoke! But for this one, not even close!
Even after I heard that, I wasn’t willing to let go. And so, like so many times before, I chose my own way. Then and there, it came down to a decision to either to obey God no matter what OR to do my own thing. I chose the latter. And there I was, engaged! Somewhat happy (who can claim complete happiness either way, right?) but something was missing. No matter how much I tried to ignore it, there was a vacuum that no type of loving from Tom could fill.
The peace of God.
Knowing that you are in His will.
That was something no man could ever give, yet here I was in the arms of man. Upset that he was not able to fill my void. Upset that he didn’t satisfy that hunger for One who can never be replaced. No amount of orgasms could ever quench my hunger for my Lord. My King. My Love
It was months into the engagement and the wedding plans that it finally dawned on me that I would never replace God with anyone or anything! And had I tried, oh I had tried! But it was all futile. It was all fruitless! It bore nothing but pain and emptiness!
It was during my prayers as I tried to crawl back to God asking Him to bless my plans to marry Tom and my need for peace, that He reminded me.
“This is not my will.”
How was He obliged to bless something that was not His will? How was He obliged to build something He had nothing to do with? He was not the architect, how was He to take credit for work that He had nothing to do with?
I’m pretty sure that I have never cried as much as I did in this period! The thought of breaking things off that had taken so long to build based on a ‘still small voice’ that no one else could verify? Wasn’t this why Christians are often called crazy?? Seemingly doing things on a whim?! Was I going to be one of the Looney Christians??
Anyone who wants to come to me must forgot self, take up their cross every day, and follow me.
That’s what the Word of God says! I should forget about what I want, take up His will EVERY DAY and follow HIM!! You know, that proved to be more than I had bargained for, when I crawled back to God. But this was it! I was going to have to make a final decision! There was never going to be divorce for me! So I needed to be sure whether Tom was going to be my forever!
It was while the traditional wedding preparations were progressing when it finally hit me! I can’t NOT have the peace of God! How would I survive when He had proven time and time again that He was the only one I could trust with my life! Was I willing to trust a man instead?