So here I am. Mentally making a decision to completely trust God: taking a chance into the unknown! Let me just say, I have always been one to jump head fast into adventure! Even the hint of anything in that vicinity, I was in!! Maybe the reason why I have found myself in trouble previously, but this time, I was in for the mother load of all adventures!
Did I know what following God meant? No, not really. Even now, I can’t quite say I have it figured out. But I will say this.
I have the peace.
Even with no clear understanding of what or where I am going, somehow, I’m content! And this my friends is worth more than I can ever express!
So, here I was, late last year. In the middle of nowhere (because at this time, I had volunteered to go for missions). I was tucked away in the middle of nowhere because, you know it!
God told me so!
Let me take you back a bit. I attended a Bible class, 3 weeks later we were offered the opportunity to volunteer to serve as missionaries in Garsen! First of, I had never even heard of this place! Somewhere between the exotic Malindi beaches and the island-ic (that’s a word) Lamu, lay this remote hole! Offering the heat of Mombasa with the dryness of Turkana!! It was not a joke!! But this, for this period of my life, was God-sent!!
I was away from everything! I was away from everyone! Don’t get me wrong, I loved Tom! With every inch of me! But I was fighting a battle within me that I couldn’t quite shake off! On one side, I wanted to be with him.. I wanted this so bad I had to overwhelm myself with anything else to keep myself from thinking about him. To keep myself from crying incessantly at the thought of losing him.
On the other side, my desire to pursue God has always been my reason for living! My relationship with Him kept me from falling apart when all else could no longer sustain me. God once described Himself to Moses in the Bible as,
I AM THAT I AM!
For the longest time this sounded like the most complicated thing! I am that I am? Sounded like a way to brush Moses off.. but in truth;
When I was in lack: I AM was my provider, Jehovah Jireh
When I was sick: I AM was my healer
When I was lost: ALWAYS and without fail, I AM was my way, my guide
Whatever I was in need of, I AM had ALWAYS been there.
Now, encountered with this enormous-looking decision of being with the man I had grown to love or the God who had loved me despite of myself. I was lost. I was torn! I was broken.
I have to say this now because I realize as Christians we like to point the finger at others and claim they were in the wrong, let me clarify please. Tom loved me! If there was anything wrong he did, it was that! Loving me. All he did was try and show me how much he cared.
But my heart was burdened! I couldn’t proverbially bake my cake and eat it too.
You see, the issue was never that he didn’t love God or didn’t believe in Him. Because he did. But when it came to pursuing God’s will, we didn’t quite find a balance. I came off as the over-zealous Christian who asked for too much or expected perfection, but I didn’t. I really didn’t. Look at my life, I am far from the vicinity of perfection. No one ever is.. but I believed that choosing to submit to God would soon entail letting go of things that were dear to us. This was often the case. However, it was always for the best! It is ALWAYS for the best!
Mat 10:38 — Mat 10:39
And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me. He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake will find it.
Again with the losing of myself! What did it mean? How would I know? What if I was making the biggest mistake of my life?
You see, the thing about God is that you can’t see Him (you might be thinking…Uuuhm obviously??!) Hahaha I get it! So go with me here, you can’t see Him, but most of us believe in Him anyway! Despite the fact that everything in life and science has taught us to go by what we see, right? Seeing is believing is an oh so common saying? Even among believers! But, truth be told, faith is the essence of our relationship with God! We believe, even without seeing, knowing that there is a Creator of all there is in the world! A Creator who in His busy schedule takes time to listen to us pray (or whine depending on my day, haha) and who takes the time to answer those said prayers. If that’s not faith, I believe we humans could qualify as a bunch of crazy creatures!
But we know! Instinctively, we know that He is there and He hears! And so we pray.
So, going back, in the middle of nowhere with a heart burdened by the thought of losing the love of my life. Burdened by the cost of following Christ. I prayed!
“God, hey, again. Hey Jesus, hey Holy Spirit. So, hmmm. I really don’t know what to do here. I’m supposed to trust you even when I don’t know how this is going to end up?! How do I do this? I’m in the middle of nowhere! The wedding plans are going on! My future mother in law keeps calling to find out how her future daughter in law is doing? How am I supposed to just end things? Please help me out here.😑”
With that, I was down on my knees again crying and trying to muzzle the noise with my pillow! I couldn’t stop crying! This was my lulluby now.
Then one Sunday afternoon while reading a book (I had to find a distraction from my depression and reading seemed to help). I don’t remember what the book was about! My phone rang, I had a visitor at the reception!
A visitor? In the middle of NOWHERE?? (It really is remote, trust me)
So I went to check who it was while trying to figure out who would visit me? And here??
Lo and behold, TOM!
Yes! Please tell me how in the world he found me there?? Lord knows I don’t!
All the way from the city he came! To surprise his wife to be!! My heart breaks every time I think of that day! He just wanted to come see me because I seemed distant of late. He was worried that the wedding jitters were getting the best of me. That the preparation were seemingly becoming too much for me and so, he needed to see me in person!
“Lord Jesus, I think you are mistaken! This man?? Who else would ever love me this way?” I thought to myself and at the same time whining!
This was something out of a movie! The Notebook even!! When I say this place was far, I’m not kidding!! It takes a whole day by bus IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!! And here is Tom, who’s travelled all this way, to surprise me and I am just about to break his heart?!
I did! I broke his heart! 😥. Looking him in his teary eyes, I spilled out the words no one should ever have to hear!
“I’m sorry, …”
Even before I could say it,
“You’re breaking up with me?”
His tears were already falling.
“Yes. I’m sorry.”
“Please don’t do this.”he uttered.
Those were the most gut-wrenching words I had ever heard! I had to look away. He was in pain and I couldn’t help! I was the cause of his pain. I did this! I made him cry. 😦
There was silence.
“This is what I came for?” He asked, looking almost numb.
“Please don’t do this to us.”
We didn’t talk again that night. He booked a room nearby and spent the night. Then another night. Then another.
You see, I loved him. Still do. But I decided the night I was down on my knees begging God to change His mind(which He seldom does, but it’s okay because He knows what is best), I wasn’t doing it my way anymore. No matter the cost. He could seemingly be leading me to nowhere, but I was going to follow anywhere. And this by far was the hardest part! I will probably never forget the look on his face and for that I am eternally sorry, but I was done doing it my way!
And so he left after a few days together. We talked about the wedding committee that was to be ‘broken’. We spoke about my engagement ring 😟 All our plans had now come to an abrupt halt!
Now, I continue to pick up the pieces. I try to live one day at a time without him. It hurts. For sure! And I wonder how he’s doing. But that’s all I can do now. It was like a wound that I couldn’t allow anyone to see. But God is healing me. I am not where I want to be, but I am not where I was either. With each day, I learn to trust Him. To obey when He speaks. To let go of the pain. It hasn’t been easy, but His grace has been sufficient.
We both just need time to heal. How much time? That, no one really knows for sure. But as for me, I know I will be okay. Someday soon, we’ll be okay.
As I pursue this God… I AM THAT I AM.. I hope to realize my calling. I hope to walk in His purpose. I pray (not whine) to trust Him with my forever.
being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;
Indeed, He who has started this work in me will complete it.