Let me clarify my thoughts on childfreedom
April 18, 2008 by militarywifey
NOTE: Please read this. The comments have been disabled.
I’m sorry that if I offended some of those who choose to be childfree for legitimate reasons. I realize that my posting on childfreedom was a little bit incidiary and I did not intention it so. There are legitimate reasons for choosing not to have children.
Finances are a good reason to not have children. Some people can genuinely not afford children and it wise not to have them if you can’t afford them.
Medical issues are a good reason to not have children. If having a child would severely endanger your health, it is wise to prevent childbearing in the first place.
Having demanding careers is a good reason not to have children. It pains me to see people who have extremely demanding careers and cannot tend to their children adequately. This is especially true of dual military couples where sometimes both spouses will get deployed at the same time. I think it is wise to not have children if two people in the military are both deployable.
If you really don’t feel like you have any mothering in you, maybe it’s not a good idea either.
I really didn’t mean to pass judgement on those of you who choose to be childless. I just was venting about my thoughts from reading that website that is disgusted at children. What I WAS venting at were people who hate kids, who think of them as the utmost curse, who everytime they see a child acting like a CHILD give me dirty looks. It’s not the people that say “Well, I love kids but I just don’t see myself as mother material”. It’s the people that say “Kids are horrible people. I can’t believe anyone would willingly chain themselves to that lifestyle of changing diapers and tending to a toddler all day”.
I realize that not everyone that is childfree is anti-child. There are people who are childless who respect and love mothers as well as children. They just perhaps feel it isn’t their calling because God may have called them to serve him in areas other than parenting. And that’s ok. I just don’t believe that it is right to think of children as a horrible curse and an unfathomable burden. It isn’t right to think that parents are in bondage just because they chose to have children. The idea that some people have of children being horrible little cretins, in my opinion, is really flawed and really disrespectful to the right of the child in the first place.
So, I’m sorry if I offended some of those of you who love children yet have chosen, for any reason or none at all, not to have them. That was not my intention and all apologies.
12 Responses to “Let me clarify my thoughts on childfreedom”
Your post on childfree people was quite openhearted and well written. The only thing that really upset me about your post was the comment that childfree groups sit around discussing children.
We discuss pets, work, travel, relationships, property, health, politics, books, TV, animal rescue, food, cars and anything else under the sun. We rarely discuss children at all since children just don’t make up a major part of our lives. Some of us love spending time with nieces and nephews while others choose to avoid children for an enormous variety of reasons including over-exposure to uncouth, badly raised children and rude, irresponsible parents.
Sadly, there really are not enough truly good parents out there. Most children are raised by parents who live life on automatic pilot and never think carefully about how they raise their kids or why they are parents in the first place. This leaves the children feeling superfluous, unloved and angry.
I am childfree mainly because there are so many people (and millions of brilliant, talented kids who are starving) on earth already, I don’t feel that my progeny are needed or wanted at this time. Earth certainly isn’t at any risk of running out of people! I know the Bible says that people should have children, but my choice is to focus on other good works for the good of the planet. Free will is precious because it allows us to make hard choices as long as we are willing to accept the consequences. I made my choice with my eyes open and I will accept all consequences without regret.
If I ever do decide to raise a child (many other child free people have agreed on this) I will adopt one of the thousands of children that the rest of the world has no space for.
I sincerely would rather not breed as it means less human pressure on this precious planet, and more time to devote to projects and other people who need my skills.
God bless,
Kim
Kim,
You sound so earnest and thank you for your beautiful post. I realize I was wrong in mentioning that the childfree lambast children amongst each other. Many individuals, such as yourself, love children but do not feel the calling to care for them.
In looking at the web, I found some childfree websites that basically called kids “brats” and “pieces of flesh”. I realize that the large majority of childfree people do not share this point of view and love children. Most childfree people hate to see children raised in a horrible environment and not given the adequate love and TLC every child needs.
I respect your decision to adopt if you desire children in the future. I think it is a fine one and we do live in a needy world. I come from an adopted family myself, I have 3 younger siblings but only one is biologically my sister. In the future, I anticipate to have one more child biologically but if for any reason I can’t or if I desire to have a 3rd, I plan on adopting.
In the Christian community, you will find a large array of people. There is a movement called “quiverfull” which basically discards any usage of birth control AT ALL as “not trusting God”. I believe God puts different desires in our hearts and some of us desire 10 kids, others 2, and others none at all. I believe it is more important for us, as Christians, to be good stewards over children and not go for an all-time high number of children.
Thank you for your sweet comment,
God bless you as well,
MW
Thank you for clarifying. I can see where you were coming from. There are “extremists” in the CF community, as in any group, who hate kids, loathe anyone who has them, and wants nothing to do with them.
I, personally, don’t want kids. Have no desire to have them, at all. Not because of a career or finances, just not for me.
However, I have nieces and nephews that I love spending time with, but then they go back to their parents, and I can relax!
As others have said, should I ever feel the urge to have a child, I would adopt. There are so many kids who need homes out there.
Kim,
I have to say, I appreciate the efforts you’ve gone to to better understand the position of CFers, like me. When I read your original post I was quite frustrated and angry. I do appreciate the revisions you made to your post.
I do want to tell you that my reasons for not having children run the whole spectrum. First and foremost I feel that I would not be a good parent. My upbringing was not ideal and I would never impose a life like that on any child.
I have a career that has me working 9-10 hrs per day and often more with no warning. I do not believe in daycare. I feel that if someone wants a child, they should make the necessary sacrifices needed to raise the child them self. It would be unfair for me to have a child and leave it in someone else’s care for 12 hrs of the day. This is also the reason I don’t have a dog. I love dogs, but I can’t leave a dog home alone without ability to go outside for that long. It’s just not fair.
Financially right now my husband and I are finally getting stable. We were both in college, he went to grad school, we recently moved 1000 miles for better jobs. I understand fully the cost of raising a child and with the ever increasing cost of food, transportation, health care, etc how can I justify a child that I may or may not be able to care for from birth to age 18, 25, 30 (who knows?).
On the other hand, I completely agree with Kim’s comment. There are not enough good parents in the world. My husband is a teacher and everyday he deals with disrespectful, un-parent-ed children. He comes home and doesn’t want to be around anyone under the age of 20.
I personally was punched by a kid in Target, a kid who was old enough to know better (about 5 or 6) than to punch anyone, let alone a stranger walking by. That child’s parents did nothing in the way of apologizing to me on the rude behavior of their child.
From my personal experiences, I now choose to go about my day in a way that keeps me away from place frequented by young children (family restaurants, movies rated below ‘R’, even the grocery store before 10pm).
I have friends who have children and they are true parents. People who believe that 3 yr olds need a bedtime and don’t belong in movies that start at 10pm and are showing at the local Brew Pub. (Yes, this did happen to me. My husband and I decided to go to a late movie that was showing at our local microbrewery screening room, there was someone there with a 3-4 yr old who cried through the whole movie.)
From my point of view, you are undoubtedly one of the few actual parents left on this planet who will raise their children in a respectful, upright way. However, I would have a hard time believing that even someone who loves kids and has children of their own would tolerate being punched by a random kid or having crying children in the audience of an obviously adult movie.
I’m sorry if this is disturbing to you, however, I often feel that I am being condemned by society for my choice to remain CF and that many people don’t understand my personal reasons for not wanting children.
Cynthia
I did not read your original post, but I believe wholeheartedly in the case you’ve stated here. A “friend” of mine, a 50-year-old male who is married but childless, often refers to his wife’s grandchildren from her previous marriage as being like “tiny drunks”- all they do is stumble around, crap, puke, cry, and break things. I mean, I get perhaps not wanting that full-time commitment that child rearing warrants, for whatever reason…but I don’t understand the deep-seeded cynisim or at times, outright revulsion some seem to have for children. People with that sort of bitterness inside them kind of creep me out. I just always wonder how deep and wide their dark side truly runs.
However, I do believe that for whatever reason, if one chooses to be childless…more power to you. I would much rather have someone recognize it within themselves that parenting is just not for them and to take the appropriate precautions to prevent conception, rather than add one more unwanted child to the legions of tortured and neglected souls that already exist. I truly believe that one of society’s greatest ills today is that we are dealing with generations of castaway children born into families that are broken, dysfunctional, uneducated, and just overall ill-equipped to take on the task of raising a healthy, happy,productive human being.
I know this first hand due to my own experience. I was given up at birth, in what I believe was some sort of inter-family cover-up. I accidentally found out I was adopted when I was 15 when I came across my adoption papers. If it hadn’t been for the fact I’d found the proof, my folks were never going to tell me I was not their biological child. Which is hilarious, if you consider my adoptive father is a 100% chinese immigrant, who somehow made it down to Shreveport, LA to meet up and marry my swamp beast of a cajun cretin of an adoptive mother. My mother was extremely mentally ill and was very abusive towards me…I was always treated like I was this giant pain in the ass. Aren’t adopted kids supposed to be extra-loved? Not in this case. It didn’t help my suspicions when I found out my adoptive mom had also given birth to two of her own boys, but lost them to the state when they were 8 and 9.
She never, ever, told me of their existence. It wasn’t until I had photos and birth certificates shoved in her face that she fessed up. Turns out they would have been about 18 and 19 when I was born. The older had been married for a while at the time I was born, and living back in Louisiana, but the younger one…
It turns out he had been moved down to Houston from Shreveport after he got out of foster care, and my mom and dad (the adoptive ones) hooked him up with an apartment and a job. Then, suddenly,like a bad case of explosive diarrhea…blammo! He shot the hell out of town. No warning, no goodbye,no nothing. Interestingly…this happened just around the time I was born. Hmm. And she never, ever spoke to him again. He passed away in 1994.
I had the pleasure of continuing the cycle by getting pregnant at 19 by my supreme ass of a boyfriend, who I ended up marrying (It must have been poor judgement due to the massive load of braincells lost thanks to all the acid I took in high school). We had a beautiful daughter who is now 18 and all grown up…and a total freaking nutcase. Her teen years were absolute armageddon thanks to her alcoholic mom and abusive father (both bipolar, thank you) who made it very clear he never wanted her anyway. When I think of the pain and torment this poor beautiful angel was subjected to…it just makes me want to wretch. We completely and utterly failed her, and all because we didn’t know what the fuck we were doing ourselves.
Fortunately, my daughter and I have come a long way and we are extremely close now. Happily, she is evolving into a strong, smart girl who I am carefully trying to guide into not repeating the mistakes of the past.
Anyways, I didn’t expect to dump out quite so much…it’s just something I guess I’m pretty passionate about. Children are precious,precious little treasures, and should only be handled by those who want them and understand they need to be handled with care.
We are not all put on this earth just to have children. It’s a choice personal to the individual and not open to be judged by others. Too many people have relationships without thinking and then decide that children is a great idea. We are then left with a massive volume of children with only one parent. Maybe those people should have chosen not to have children after all who suffers most? Them? No the children!
How about a post for those of us who are undecided? I like kids, but date someone with a very serious medical condition, and am not sure about having my own. I’d be curious to hear your thoughts.
Please note there are extremists parents too who push their agenda on us. There’s a range of personalities, behavior and speech on both sides of the fence.
Like Brit Girl said it (http://thebritgirl.com/) we don’t need a reason to be childfree. Do you justify why you decided to be a parent? I suppose not. So why should we. Why should we have to follow TheLifeScript(TM)? Your authorisation for us to be cf (health, etc.) seems a bit patronizing.
Some of those CF sites, are there to get rid of the stresses of the modern world, Which is full of bad parents, and BAD children.
If there wasnt a place to vent ones anger/hurt/upset, then you would have FAR more, violence towards Bad parents.
Do Those ranting sites Hurt you personally? Do you agree that everyone is entitled to their opinion? Do you agree that If you are Upset about a topic, you have the right to vent your anger in a constructive safe way?
I am sure you have ranted about your pet peeves on other sites, Arent they entitled to the same rights as you?
So what if they call them peices of flesh, and other terms, You are not forced to read it. So why go looking for the sites?
There are many reasons to have children. There are also many reasons not to have children. These reasons help define our life choices and should not be debated if those reasons (and the actions borne out of them) are not harming anyone else.
As far as stumbling on to a forum of child-haters… well, some forums are designated venting places. Even though I like children, there are some experiences that I’ve had that made me quite angry at the parents, not to mention their kid that could somehow do no wrong. Believe me, if people weren’t allowed to vent in some way, we’d have worse problems on our hands than venomous words. Those forums are open for everyone to read, but not everyone should be so keen on visiting. As the saying goes, if you don’t like it, you don’t have to be there.
With that being said, I really did enjoy your post here. You brought up some good points. It was also a good apology, as I did read the original post some time ago. I just didn’t comment on the original one. And… well… hey, thanks for your time!
Gerandia,
I am not saying people should not be entitled to their opinion. They are more than entitled to their opinion if they so choose.
FTR: It does hurt me when people refer to children as nothing more than “pieces of flesh”, just like it hurts me when people beat their children. I don’t see why you should hate a child when they have done nothing to you. Yea, you may be “annoyed” by one and that is ok, but I just think it is sad that people HATE children.
And yes, they can vent and rave all they want, but I don’t have to like it or agree with it.
CF,
I’m not trying to be patronizing at least that isn’t my intention.
You don’t need a license to be childfree OR to be a parent, that is personal choice and decision.
These are just my opinions and you can take them at that.
And FTR I do like to have a reason why I chose to have children. I love children and always wanted to have them. We all have our reasons, whether we choose to have kids or not. They don’t need to be approved by me or by anyone for that matter. I’m not trying to pry into your life or the life of any childfree individual.